Pride - Part 2 Wedded Bliss

Saturday is my wife's and my 16th wedding anniversary. It is amazing to reflect on the evolution that has occurred both individually and as a couple over these years. Growth, however, usually entails a bit of stretching, discomfort, displacement, and pain. In a marriage, these growing pains usually reveal themselves in disagreements, differing of opinions, contention. . . . OK, OK. . . I'll say it. . . .ARGUMENTS!! For years, I would tell people that my wife and I NEVER fought, NEVER argued. Not because I wanted to portray us as "the perfect couple" (which in jest I do in social situations - part of our Schtick), but because I always viewed the word "argument" or "fighting" as being something of much larger proportions - stuff being thrown, doors being slammed, people storming out, etc. I had said that my wife and I had two or three fights in the history of our relationship, until one day, a friend of ours was over and we had a disagreement.

She said, "Listen guys, don't argue about this. It is not worth the fight."

I promptly said, "we're not arguing"

To which my wife replied "Yes we are!"

To me, it was one of the funnier exchanges in our then 10+ years of marriage. I think my wife would characterize it as being more frustrating. I said, "Oh. . . . THIS is arguing" as I then laughed and totally lost focus of the "argument" which, by the way, was DEFINITELY my fault and a result of. . . you guessed it PRIDE!

More times than not, our "arguments" are a result of wanting to have control. Control is usually perceived as a negative desire in this type of situation. However, control with regards to a marriage is more about identity than it is about wanting to be "the Boss." When you say "I Do," you go from being two separate entities to being one entity made up of two parts. Throughout our lives we continue to fight for our own voice and individuality. Too "proud" to succumb to or surrender any part of ourselves. Sometimes that fight causes friction, which can blossom into a conflict, disagrement. . . OK, OK. . a fight.

Where pride comes into this discussion is in how you perceive yourself within your relationship, and how that manifests itself regarding your view outside of your relationship/marriage. The fear of surrendering yourself to your partner and trusting that in his/her eyes you are still a vibrant INDIVIDUAL will definitely manifest itself in the establishing of that "force field" that I discussed in Part 1. Everyone needs that one person who sees them from inside that field, and loves them in spite of the insecurities, inadequacies, and fears, that the force field has been built to hide or protect. I am fortunate that I have my wife, who after 20+ years of being together, still loves, supports, and respects me, in spite of my laundry list of insecurities and inadequacies.

As you all know, I write this blog never presenting myself as any kind of expert. I write it as a means of putting ideas for discussion out to the world, putting down my force field, and sharing with others that it is alright to not be perfect (although we ALL try so hard to think we can be. . . especially me. . LOL). When we put our pride aside and meet our spouse halfway, it is the most magical experience of synergy imaginable. If you think of all the times you have argued with your spouse, chances are it was because you both wanted to control a situation or decision. Pride steps in and makes you want to be in charge and/or be the dominant INDIVIDUAL, because, if you are in charge, your individuality is not lost.

I submit that marriage does not mean that you lose your individuality. If you can control your pride and allow yourself to compromise a bit, the individual in each of us becomes more vibrant, more noticeable, because it is now also broadcasted or projected through the magnifying lens of the love of your life. I am a bigger personality not only because I am PROUD of my marriage, but also because my wife's love and support magnifies my self worth. She has journeyed to the center of my soul (which is scarier than the center of the Earth) and continues to make me feel complete, and like a more significant person.

My hopes for all of you is that you put your pride aside, allow yourself to experience the scariness of surrendering your soul to another person, and feel the ecstasy of vulnerability. I still struggle with it every day, but when I am able to control my own pride, and experience this vulnerability, it by far is the greatest high I've ever had. It is not unlike the rush one feels when he/she goes on a roller coaster. For the two minutes you are on that ride, you have surrendered control. People describe it as scary, invigorating, liberating. . . . a RUSH! Some might say a successful marriage is just a roller coaster ride through life. . . .I agree, and it is better than any coaster I've ever ridden at Hershey Park.

Next time you are having an argument, ask yourself why this is an issue. If you take a deep breath, put your shields down, and put your pride up on the shelf, chances are the argument will quickly dissipate, the conflict will be resolved, and you will begin the fun of making up. ;)

Thanks for visiting.
Peace,
Randy

Pride - Part 1

In my career as an educator, I have spent a lot of time observing people - Teachers, Administrators, Parents, Students, support staff, bus drivers, community members, board members. . . a lot of characters in the daily play that makes up an average school day. A lot of those observations have been in my official capacity, but most of them unofficially. . . casually. With the sheer volume of people involved, it is interesting to watch the rhythm of the interactions between each unique person within their peer group as well as within the other unique groups. I have noticed two consistencies no matter where I have been: (1) The younger the person, the more honest or transparent the presentation, and (2) Adults tend to maintain an invisible "force field" of protection, shielding their authentic selves from others. I have deduced that the reason for these consistencies is quite simple. . . . PRIDE.

A young child has not developed the concept of pride, and adults allow their pride to control their actions and interactions.
If we could read the invisible fields put up around us, we would see that very rarely we get to see a clear picture of the true essence of most people in our lives. Pride perpetuates and feeds off of individual insecurities, low sel-esteem, jealousy, lack of confidence, and other personality cancers that prohibit us from connecting with others.

People walk around wearing masks or facades that present to the world the person they believe the world wants to see or the person they want the world to believe they are. As a result, people are relegated to staying an arm's distance away, and never really connecting with each other. These distances (or spaces) are incubators of tension, conflict, and misunderstanding. People like to say "I'm a what you see is what you get person," however, that is rarely an accurate statement. If that was true, there would be less posturing, gossip, and distaste, and more empathy and compassion.

My next three blog entries are going to look closer into the negative impact that pride has on us in the workplace, within our family unit, in our community, and pride's global implications. In the meantime, take a real look at yourself in the mirror. As Billy Joel wrote in "The Stranger" (I paraphrase) do you have a face that you hide away forever, and take and it out and show yourself when everyone has gone?" I think we all do. If we were conscious of it, and could control this, and were able to walk out of the house "maskless," I submit there would be more happiness. . . . more peace.

As I like to say, "If you allow your pride to be your guide, you are bound to get lost." Try and let your heart and sense of self be your social and emotional GPS.

Peace,
Randy

A Humble, Naked Return

Hello everyone in the blogoshpere. I have been away for a couple months taking care of some "business" so I can establish a base from which to launch more of the lessons, insights, or maybe better categorized as rantings =) that you have been kind enough to support since I started this early last year. During my time away I have had some experiences that have provided me with some insights I would love to share with you.

Since my last entry, I have begun the process of building production studios in a 12,000 sq. ft. building we are purchasing in Fairfield, NJ, and I have gone back into education as a principal of a school for hearing impaired children.

I humbly return after the struggles of going through the process of convincing a bank to trust me with a large sum of money, and the process of convincing a board that the six years I spent away from education would make me a more insightful educator.

Fortunately, I have been able to make it through both exercises. We are still awaiting the ridiculousness of the NJDEP to environmentally approve our building's neighborhood, although the building's lot itself was deemed safe. So I AM a principal, as I write this, but I am NOT yet a building owner.

Today is the first day I have been able to sit an take a breathe and really reflect on the past three months away, and I realized the valuable lesson I learned through the process. I stated how humble I feel, because this experience has done just that. . . humbled me.

I have been very fortunate in my life to have had success at an early age. I was a school administrator at 28, and have been nominated for an Emmy for each of my first three television specials. When that kind of fortune comes your way, you might take for granted that it is not special, but expected. Sometimes your view of the world and reality become a bit skewed. I am not saying I did not realize what was happening to me was special and that I was lucky, I was just not aware of how lucky I truly was. It took forced introspection and total transparency to have me truly see how lucky I am and how lucky I continue to be.

If you are feeling a bit "off" or are having trouble connecting with your authentic self, then I recommend you try to do two things:
1.) Attempt to refinance your home or borrow a large sum of money, while not receiving a regular paycheck
2.) Put together a resume, attempt to get interviews, and then actually go through with them.

Nothing will be more humbling than the process of convincing someone to bring you in for an interview and/or the process of a lender going through your entire professional and/or financial history.

Both activities will make you stand in front of the proverbial mirror and look at your life in a really naked, raw manner. Just like the first time you put on your bathing suit, after a winter of baggy sweaters, you might not like what you see. Admitting where you need to improve yourself is the first step in making your life more enriching and fulfilling. You have to be willing to see your naked self for who you really are, accept it, and then resolve to get yourself in shape - spiritually, financially, and maybe even physically.

It may also make you rethink your personal relationships and habits, and spotlight those that have a positive impact on your life. Without the love and support of my wife, and some extended family and friends, I would not be able to have survived the naked walk I have had to make throughout the early part of 2011. I also learned who my true friends were and to be much more wary of those who support you in your time of success (easy to do).

So I'm back, I have survived both trials. I am happy to be back working with teachers and kids, and excited about the next adventure of further building the all new Nightstand Studios. This humbling has allowed me to take two steps back, establish a new base, and hopefully launch forward to greater heights, with more insanely exciting ideas, and continue to strive to make the world a better place for families.

Everyone can be successful, you just need to be willing to go back and get naked. Put on your Re-birthday suit, and live your best life.

Stay tuned. . .
Randy

Time to empty the education sock drawer.

This month the documentary Waiting For Superman will be released on DVD. I haven't had the opportunity to view the entire film yet, but have consumed all the interviews, Oprah appearances, their very detailed website, etc. Its message is something that stirs emotions deep within me, and really has had me obsessing over some unfinished business I have in my life.

As many of you know, I have spent the past six years producing wholesome family entertainment and educational media, after spending 13 successful and frustrating years in education - 8 as a Central Office Administrator and building principal. I left public education to pursue my other passion of family entertainment - but I was probably more pushed out than I was someone leaving on his own. I call it the blocking of energy by those who were "Collecting checks instead of earning them"

When someone with energy, vision, and passion is around the likes of conservative (not politically) "caretakers" of deeply rooted, union controlled organizations like public education, the ones in control are fearful of their cushy positions and, quite frankly, feel they have earned the right to now rest on their past successes that got them the big offices and high salaries.

I have been following NJ Governor Chris Christie's initiatives to overhaul and reform public education and am encouraged by the fact that people are talking about reform. We have been running our schools the same way since we moved out of the one room schoolhouse and it is time for some REAL REFORM. Our education system is broken, and until we actually resolve ourselves to really fix it, we are going to continue to go through cases of duct tape and bubble gum to patch up the holes and weak structures that are a result of top-heavy administrative budgets, overpaid local superintendent positions, and ridiculous union-forced job security measures such as tenure.

We continue to recycle administrators that were not successful in other positions because of the length (which is misrepresented as strength) of their resumes, the color of their skin, or the graying of their hair. We are trying create new educational models with components that are not really compatible. We continue to recyle these candidates because their "experience" brings comfort to those making the decision to hire them. We are attempting to run new plays with players who are not fit enough to execute them.

I have sat by and watched silently, seething as I see do-nothing wannabe politicians become superintendents and principals who are satisfied with not taking risks and collecting their checks in their cushy offices, while the children are delivered the same laminated programs of years past.

It is time for us to dump out the "sock drawer" that is the decision makers (or non-decision makers) that make up a large percentage of our education system. Throw away the the ones that no longer match, fit, or have holes in them, and systematically replenish the collection with ones that actually fit and match our new wardrobe (plans for reform).

Stay tuned, as I have just begun to discuss what needs to be done. Just like the reasons I went into broadcasting, these opinions will ruffle the feathers of the "Check Collectors" and further energize those who really are "Earning their check" and making positive strides in education reform.

We can't wait for Superman. We need to all put on a cape and do our part.

An "Impactful" life.

I know. .. Impactful is not a real word. It is coming up on everyone's spellcheck alert, but it is the most concise way of describing today's message.

I found out this morning, while listening to the Howard Stern Show, about the death of one of my life's icons, Jack LaLanne. Those who know me, are expecting me to blog about this. Those who REALLY know me, are expecting me to be very hurt by this, as if I have lost a family member.

Truth is, just like in life, his passing has inspired me. Unlike Mister Rogers, who I never had the opportunity to meet, I spent three days with Jack LaLanne, at a time in my life that I was approaching a crossroad. We spent three days eating healthy, talking about fitness, and more importantly, the impact we have on others. It is a happenstance meeting that had a great impact on how I continue to live my life.

I told him my story of the educator-turned struggling producer, and my dream of helping make the world a better place. He patiently listened and asked questions, then said to me "You are doing the right thing. All my life I have just worried about helping others, and the rest has fallen in place." He said that with an earnestness and sincerity that brought a calm over me, at a time where I was doubting the craziness of what I was doing.

Five years and four Emmy nominations later, I find myself at the same crossroad. As always, I have several irons in the fire, and work and live at a pace that must be very tiring to watch (although it is invigorating to live) or for my wife to live with (a real saint). I have so many things I still want to accomplish as an educator, as a family man, as a creative producer, as an American.

I see the problems plaguing our education system, and I have a real plan for how to fix it. I see the problems in our governmental system, and I also have a real plan of how to fix that. I see garbage on TV and feel that there has to be a wholesome alternative that people want to watch and experience. Most importantly, I have an AWESOME wife and two daughters and want to experience every minute of their lives with them. So you see why I am always running so hot.

So I take pause today to remember the words of the man I was so fortunate to have met - and experience his energy firsthand. It makes me think of a quote from Jackie Robinson: "A Life is not important, except for the impact it has on others." Jack LaLanne preached that we should all "Work and Live Vigorously," and he did so in an "Impactful" way - a way that left a great impact on how I, as well as others live our lives.

So I will continue to dream of leaving a legacy like Jack did, and maybe someday I will be given the opportunity he had to affect global change. Maybe someone will really, truly want to make change and I will get the opportunity to implement my plans for education, entertainment, or for government. In the meantime, I will continue to try my hardest to have an impact on the most important passion in my life - my wife and my girls.

Thank you Jack for having an impact.

Your presence might be missed, but your spirit will live on.

Who will YOU impact today?