Pride - Part 2 Wedded Bliss

Saturday is my wife's and my 16th wedding anniversary. It is amazing to reflect on the evolution that has occurred both individually and as a couple over these years. Growth, however, usually entails a bit of stretching, discomfort, displacement, and pain. In a marriage, these growing pains usually reveal themselves in disagreements, differing of opinions, contention. . . . OK, OK. . . I'll say it. . . .ARGUMENTS!! For years, I would tell people that my wife and I NEVER fought, NEVER argued. Not because I wanted to portray us as "the perfect couple" (which in jest I do in social situations - part of our Schtick), but because I always viewed the word "argument" or "fighting" as being something of much larger proportions - stuff being thrown, doors being slammed, people storming out, etc. I had said that my wife and I had two or three fights in the history of our relationship, until one day, a friend of ours was over and we had a disagreement.

She said, "Listen guys, don't argue about this. It is not worth the fight."

I promptly said, "we're not arguing"

To which my wife replied "Yes we are!"

To me, it was one of the funnier exchanges in our then 10+ years of marriage. I think my wife would characterize it as being more frustrating. I said, "Oh. . . . THIS is arguing" as I then laughed and totally lost focus of the "argument" which, by the way, was DEFINITELY my fault and a result of. . . you guessed it PRIDE!

More times than not, our "arguments" are a result of wanting to have control. Control is usually perceived as a negative desire in this type of situation. However, control with regards to a marriage is more about identity than it is about wanting to be "the Boss." When you say "I Do," you go from being two separate entities to being one entity made up of two parts. Throughout our lives we continue to fight for our own voice and individuality. Too "proud" to succumb to or surrender any part of ourselves. Sometimes that fight causes friction, which can blossom into a conflict, disagrement. . . OK, OK. . a fight.

Where pride comes into this discussion is in how you perceive yourself within your relationship, and how that manifests itself regarding your view outside of your relationship/marriage. The fear of surrendering yourself to your partner and trusting that in his/her eyes you are still a vibrant INDIVIDUAL will definitely manifest itself in the establishing of that "force field" that I discussed in Part 1. Everyone needs that one person who sees them from inside that field, and loves them in spite of the insecurities, inadequacies, and fears, that the force field has been built to hide or protect. I am fortunate that I have my wife, who after 20+ years of being together, still loves, supports, and respects me, in spite of my laundry list of insecurities and inadequacies.

As you all know, I write this blog never presenting myself as any kind of expert. I write it as a means of putting ideas for discussion out to the world, putting down my force field, and sharing with others that it is alright to not be perfect (although we ALL try so hard to think we can be. . . especially me. . LOL). When we put our pride aside and meet our spouse halfway, it is the most magical experience of synergy imaginable. If you think of all the times you have argued with your spouse, chances are it was because you both wanted to control a situation or decision. Pride steps in and makes you want to be in charge and/or be the dominant INDIVIDUAL, because, if you are in charge, your individuality is not lost.

I submit that marriage does not mean that you lose your individuality. If you can control your pride and allow yourself to compromise a bit, the individual in each of us becomes more vibrant, more noticeable, because it is now also broadcasted or projected through the magnifying lens of the love of your life. I am a bigger personality not only because I am PROUD of my marriage, but also because my wife's love and support magnifies my self worth. She has journeyed to the center of my soul (which is scarier than the center of the Earth) and continues to make me feel complete, and like a more significant person.

My hopes for all of you is that you put your pride aside, allow yourself to experience the scariness of surrendering your soul to another person, and feel the ecstasy of vulnerability. I still struggle with it every day, but when I am able to control my own pride, and experience this vulnerability, it by far is the greatest high I've ever had. It is not unlike the rush one feels when he/she goes on a roller coaster. For the two minutes you are on that ride, you have surrendered control. People describe it as scary, invigorating, liberating. . . . a RUSH! Some might say a successful marriage is just a roller coaster ride through life. . . .I agree, and it is better than any coaster I've ever ridden at Hershey Park.

Next time you are having an argument, ask yourself why this is an issue. If you take a deep breath, put your shields down, and put your pride up on the shelf, chances are the argument will quickly dissipate, the conflict will be resolved, and you will begin the fun of making up. ;)

Thanks for visiting.
Peace,
Randy

Resolutions, Goals, and Excuses

Resolutions are funny and predictable. We all make them, then we all break them. We all make these resolutions with seemingly good intensions. What motivates us to make such grand claims and changes? For those of us who are goal oriented, this activity could be a jumpstart towards a career goal or a lifestyle change. For others, it is a way to draw attention to themselves. Either way, or whatever your motivation, we usually "fall off the wagon" and our resolution fades into the abyss of New Years past. We then make excuses for our "failures."

We need to resolve not to resolve in 2010. Instead, we need to live each day with small attainable goals. Like most 12-step programs (fortunately I have not been in one. . . yet =) ) if you live one day at a time trying to be the best you you can be, eventually, you will get on a roll and gradually make a huge impact on your life and those around you. I drive by the Polanar fruit factory (the "jelly" makers) several times a week. Outside they have a sign that counts the days in a row without an accident. They had a safety record of 400 days in a row. I drove by one day and it was back to 2. The same type of attitude should be taken regarding our own goals. One day at a time, building up a string of days of progress. If we fall off, it is not an excuse to quit, it is an opportunity to start again. Keep a record, a journal of what you are doing, what progress you are making.

I appreciate what Polanar is trying to do through its posting. I like the idea of trying to break a record for efficiency and keeping track of daily progress. However, think about the psychological hit one takes when they go from 400 days in a row back to 1. I would love to see an addition made to the sign that provides an overall running total. 400 days in a row, one bad day, another 300, one bad day. . . .Do the math on that. 700 good days and 2 bad. That is a 99.7% of the time efficiency. However, the jelly workers are now sitting on day 2 and feeling bad about themselves. It is OK to have a bad day once in a while. You want to build up your efficiency and longterm peformance.

Here is an idea. Keep track of each and every day you behave in the "newly resolved" manner. At the end of each week, each month, etc. give yourself a mark. If you were "good" 5 out of 7 days one week - that is a 71%. Well doesn't 71% beat 0%? We use our lack of accountability as an excuse to quit on our goals. If you take a step forward each day, by the end of the week you will be 7 steps down the road. When you make excuses, you are wasting valuable time dwelling on a perceived failure, instead of taking another step forward.

I resolved, once I started this Blog-thing yesterday, that I would continue to followup with it at least 5 times a week. I wanted to write more - although it is what I do for a living (if you can call it a living. . .LOL) What will I talk about each day? Who knows, but it will have something to do with being a dad, a producer, an educator, or sometimes "just being a guy" (whatever that means) As a former English teacher, this will not always be grammatically correct, because it will be a stream of consciousness. If I edit my work, I will never keep my resolution to write every day. So there it is. . .AN EXCUSE. Justification of why I will not do something. I would use my obsession with writing perfectly as a reason to not continue this exercise. I am also using my desire to write in a relaxed manner as an EXCUSE why my blogs will be filled with web-esque type of verbiage. . . .like the dot dot dot. . . or the LOL. . . smiley faces =), or any other type of writing that the old grammar text I used to tell my students to leave in their lockers would not support. WHO REALLY CARES. I am doing this for ME anyway. If people read this and get something from it, well that would be really COOL.

Resolve to make changes for yourself, and allow yourself to fail once in a while.

Excuses are copouts for those who really weren't ready for change.

So here I am 2 days in a row. That is 2 more posts than I had on Monday =)