Pride - Part 2 Wedded Bliss

Saturday is my wife's and my 16th wedding anniversary. It is amazing to reflect on the evolution that has occurred both individually and as a couple over these years. Growth, however, usually entails a bit of stretching, discomfort, displacement, and pain. In a marriage, these growing pains usually reveal themselves in disagreements, differing of opinions, contention. . . . OK, OK. . . I'll say it. . . .ARGUMENTS!! For years, I would tell people that my wife and I NEVER fought, NEVER argued. Not because I wanted to portray us as "the perfect couple" (which in jest I do in social situations - part of our Schtick), but because I always viewed the word "argument" or "fighting" as being something of much larger proportions - stuff being thrown, doors being slammed, people storming out, etc. I had said that my wife and I had two or three fights in the history of our relationship, until one day, a friend of ours was over and we had a disagreement.

She said, "Listen guys, don't argue about this. It is not worth the fight."

I promptly said, "we're not arguing"

To which my wife replied "Yes we are!"

To me, it was one of the funnier exchanges in our then 10+ years of marriage. I think my wife would characterize it as being more frustrating. I said, "Oh. . . . THIS is arguing" as I then laughed and totally lost focus of the "argument" which, by the way, was DEFINITELY my fault and a result of. . . you guessed it PRIDE!

More times than not, our "arguments" are a result of wanting to have control. Control is usually perceived as a negative desire in this type of situation. However, control with regards to a marriage is more about identity than it is about wanting to be "the Boss." When you say "I Do," you go from being two separate entities to being one entity made up of two parts. Throughout our lives we continue to fight for our own voice and individuality. Too "proud" to succumb to or surrender any part of ourselves. Sometimes that fight causes friction, which can blossom into a conflict, disagrement. . . OK, OK. . a fight.

Where pride comes into this discussion is in how you perceive yourself within your relationship, and how that manifests itself regarding your view outside of your relationship/marriage. The fear of surrendering yourself to your partner and trusting that in his/her eyes you are still a vibrant INDIVIDUAL will definitely manifest itself in the establishing of that "force field" that I discussed in Part 1. Everyone needs that one person who sees them from inside that field, and loves them in spite of the insecurities, inadequacies, and fears, that the force field has been built to hide or protect. I am fortunate that I have my wife, who after 20+ years of being together, still loves, supports, and respects me, in spite of my laundry list of insecurities and inadequacies.

As you all know, I write this blog never presenting myself as any kind of expert. I write it as a means of putting ideas for discussion out to the world, putting down my force field, and sharing with others that it is alright to not be perfect (although we ALL try so hard to think we can be. . . especially me. . LOL). When we put our pride aside and meet our spouse halfway, it is the most magical experience of synergy imaginable. If you think of all the times you have argued with your spouse, chances are it was because you both wanted to control a situation or decision. Pride steps in and makes you want to be in charge and/or be the dominant INDIVIDUAL, because, if you are in charge, your individuality is not lost.

I submit that marriage does not mean that you lose your individuality. If you can control your pride and allow yourself to compromise a bit, the individual in each of us becomes more vibrant, more noticeable, because it is now also broadcasted or projected through the magnifying lens of the love of your life. I am a bigger personality not only because I am PROUD of my marriage, but also because my wife's love and support magnifies my self worth. She has journeyed to the center of my soul (which is scarier than the center of the Earth) and continues to make me feel complete, and like a more significant person.

My hopes for all of you is that you put your pride aside, allow yourself to experience the scariness of surrendering your soul to another person, and feel the ecstasy of vulnerability. I still struggle with it every day, but when I am able to control my own pride, and experience this vulnerability, it by far is the greatest high I've ever had. It is not unlike the rush one feels when he/she goes on a roller coaster. For the two minutes you are on that ride, you have surrendered control. People describe it as scary, invigorating, liberating. . . . a RUSH! Some might say a successful marriage is just a roller coaster ride through life. . . .I agree, and it is better than any coaster I've ever ridden at Hershey Park.

Next time you are having an argument, ask yourself why this is an issue. If you take a deep breath, put your shields down, and put your pride up on the shelf, chances are the argument will quickly dissipate, the conflict will be resolved, and you will begin the fun of making up. ;)

Thanks for visiting.
Peace,
Randy

Pride - Part 1

In my career as an educator, I have spent a lot of time observing people - Teachers, Administrators, Parents, Students, support staff, bus drivers, community members, board members. . . a lot of characters in the daily play that makes up an average school day. A lot of those observations have been in my official capacity, but most of them unofficially. . . casually. With the sheer volume of people involved, it is interesting to watch the rhythm of the interactions between each unique person within their peer group as well as within the other unique groups. I have noticed two consistencies no matter where I have been: (1) The younger the person, the more honest or transparent the presentation, and (2) Adults tend to maintain an invisible "force field" of protection, shielding their authentic selves from others. I have deduced that the reason for these consistencies is quite simple. . . . PRIDE.

A young child has not developed the concept of pride, and adults allow their pride to control their actions and interactions.
If we could read the invisible fields put up around us, we would see that very rarely we get to see a clear picture of the true essence of most people in our lives. Pride perpetuates and feeds off of individual insecurities, low sel-esteem, jealousy, lack of confidence, and other personality cancers that prohibit us from connecting with others.

People walk around wearing masks or facades that present to the world the person they believe the world wants to see or the person they want the world to believe they are. As a result, people are relegated to staying an arm's distance away, and never really connecting with each other. These distances (or spaces) are incubators of tension, conflict, and misunderstanding. People like to say "I'm a what you see is what you get person," however, that is rarely an accurate statement. If that was true, there would be less posturing, gossip, and distaste, and more empathy and compassion.

My next three blog entries are going to look closer into the negative impact that pride has on us in the workplace, within our family unit, in our community, and pride's global implications. In the meantime, take a real look at yourself in the mirror. As Billy Joel wrote in "The Stranger" (I paraphrase) do you have a face that you hide away forever, and take and it out and show yourself when everyone has gone?" I think we all do. If we were conscious of it, and could control this, and were able to walk out of the house "maskless," I submit there would be more happiness. . . . more peace.

As I like to say, "If you allow your pride to be your guide, you are bound to get lost." Try and let your heart and sense of self be your social and emotional GPS.

Peace,
Randy